Unloved daughter, or How to live if your mother does not love you
Very often we ask ourselves about the true feelings of our mother when we become mother ourselves. Up to this point we have nothing to compare with and it seems that everything is within the normal range, even if it is visible. And then, when we kiss our children, we hug without a reason and ask them how the day went by, how the snow falls on my head: “Did my mother love me at all?”
Paradoxically, in childhood you can somehow cope with this dislike. First, because she is not aware. There is no mother in sight, but there are, for example, grandmothers who brought up almost all our generation of thirty-year-olds with a plus. And then everything starts to seem like an inhuman test. Because the built-in mechanism “to love our parents in spite of everything”, given to us in childhood, in order not to go crazy with grief, stops working.
What does dislike look like? In the absence. It seems that Mom is alive and well, but she is not. Or it hurts. For example, that always compares.With a neighbor, Masha, with a friend's daughter, yes, it seems, with anyone. And then the most terrible fear begins to take shape: “I seem to exist, but am I carrying at least some value with my existence, even if my mother does not appreciate me?”
I remember when I walk on the street before the entrance and suddenly I see my mother’s silhouette in the distance. “I left work early,” I think, with a sinking heart, I give up everything and run towards her headlong. “All dirty, look at who you look like,” Mom greets me with words that are not filled with joy. And I'm already thirty-three, not ten, as it was then, but I still hear these words about a sloppy hairstyle, plump legs and an unsuccessful make-up. Each of our meetings passes with a squeak and my subsequent sleepless night, where I sort through all my mother's criticism and doubts, with which she does not cease to supply me as cutlets.
You can “defend” your mother as much as you like and not touch the debriefing of your life today, but it’s in the mind that we’re getting what our mother sees us
The image of one’s own self, like the concepts of basic security, is reduced to a single person - mother.Did your mother see you as a beautiful, intelligent, beloved and strong girl? You are incredibly lucky. All the rest, sooner or later, will meet with a psychotherapist.
What you probably have today:
Where do without it? Unloved daughters are unworthy of attention, because in memory, in principle, there is no feeling of love. Children easily adapt to everything - and even to the fullest ignore and criticize every step. You cannot realize your gut because you have heard for a long time that “all went to grandmother” or “who do you need with such character”. In this case, people with talents remain with the feeling that they are deceiving themselves and others, because there are no talents.
Distrust of people
I still think something incredible when someone wants to be friends with me, for example. I immediately begin to look for a trick, but after a couple of weeks I grab this person with the requirements and evidence of love and friendship. Unfortunately, girls with such an experience crave exceptionally strong emotions. Of course, for a while they calm down, but this only means that the impending whirlwind of new emotions and passions lies ahead. This usually threatens deconstructive relationships with “bad” guys or demonic men who are not averse to playing love games with jealousy, tears and delusion.
Difficulties with feelings for your children
Women who were not liked by my mother, it is difficult to imagine a really warm model of behavior with their children. Yes, you can be aware of all the problems and try to avoid their repetition in your own life, but the emptiness in feelings for your own child will roll at times, until you seriously put an end to your personal childhood experiences.
What to do?
Rather, to realize that in your life experience there is a place for such a difficult situation that hurts you a lot and helps your personality to develop in the wrong direction. Next, it's time to say goodbye to the hope that your relationship with your mother will ever change, and she will learn to love you exactly as you have dreamed all your life. Look for love in yourself - try to look at yourself with the look of a loving mother and imagine what you might be like. Submitted? Here you are. Psychologists advise to grow a mother in herself and in cases of support contact her for approval or support.
Aerobatics - to take and forgive everything that you carry in yourself for many years. More precisely, let it go. Yes, it was painful, but you grew up and realized everything that you experienced.Nobody calls you to justify mom, but she lived in a different time and breathed in another air. Perhaps she had a difficult life - getting food, meticulous life, living in an apartment with her own parents. Trite there were no resources for psychological sensitivity.
You should not be worn with childhood injuries for life - this is the other extreme. It is not worth spending all your energy on complaints and explaining your failures by mistakes made by your parents. It is very easy to live life in the form of “Mom didn’t like me,” so the most important thing is to stop in time and finish all these processes. After all, when we were children, we had no choice in principle. And now only you decide to leave the injury as an experience or to allow the insults to further form your personality. Be above the past and imagine that mother speaks a completely different language of love. And all her grumbling, soups and the eternal washing up - "vocabulary" stock, which she tries to tell you: "I love you, daughter."
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